Do you see what I see on Day 6?

“PUNISH!!!”

It’s killer Billy from my Number One Christmas-themed Slasher and Third Favourite Christmas Movie Of All Time, Silent Night, Deadly Night! Read my thoughts from when I watched the film for the first time last Christmas or, for the ultimate SNDN experience (short of actually watching it), head on over to the scarily exhaustive Silent Night, Deadly Night Resource.

Let's unlock door #5

Jeez, wouldn’t you just know it? It’s Christmas-time commuter chaos...

One woman who finds herself in the middle of holiday shopping hell is Della (played by Kim Basinger) in While She Was Out, a rather excellent new woman-in-peril thriller produced by Guillermo Del Toro. Read on for a full review!

While She Was Out

It’s a cliché, true, but every so often a modest little film seemingly comes from nowhere and manages to completely blow you away. The first to have this effect on me in quite some time is While She Was Out... and, no, it’s not a mind-blowing masterpiece, nor is it something that’ll occupy a “special place” in the hearts of generations to come, but – damn – it’s a good time and a great thriller.

Y’see, it’s pretty much identical plotwise to one of those women-in-peril TV movies from the 70s/80s that I rave about constantly – albeit with one major difference: it’s nasty... REAL nasty! We’re all used to the straightforward, linear and cosily familiar style of TV movies like She Cried Murder – and While She Was Out slots easily into that mould. But, whereas the worst thing that might befall Lynda Day George and pals was a twisted ankle, and the cops would always show up at the end, there’s no such security here. Kim Basinger is on the run from some truly dangerous thugs with only a toolbox grabbed from her car for protection – and, believe me, she’s not afraid to use its contents in ways that would give Tobe Hooper nightmares.

First rule of suspense filmmaking: give us characters we care about. Basinger, who’s just been getting better and better in recent years, is Della, a suburban mom with a borderline abusive husband (Craig Sheffer) but two nice kids. After a Christmas Eve domestic, she escapes to the mall in search of a little retail therapy. But the snowy roads are lethal, the car park is gridlocked and, to add insult to injury, a black Plymouth is taking up two parking spaces. Incensed, Della writes an angry note and leaves it on the windscreen, before parking down the road and enduring a miserable time in the mall, where such events as running into a smarmy school friend and having her name misspelled by a dull-eyed cashier subtly remind her that Women Are Socially Disadvantaged and Commercialism Is Bad.

Back outside, Della’s in for a nasty surprise when the drivers of the badly-parked Plymouth – four punks led by Lukas Haas (who seemed like such a nice boy in Witness) – show up and corner her at the outskirts of the parking lot. I’ve decided not to tell you any more than that, suffice to say that things turn very nasty very quickly, and Della’s soon running for her life through a hazard-strewn construction site. And you thought the Black Friday sales were scary!

Hurtling along and bombarding you with shocks, While She Was Out is what those of us in the movie-reviewing business refer to as “a rollercoaster ride”, and what people in the rollercoaster business refer to as “technically, just a film” – although I’m sure they’d agree it’s a pretty good one. Kim Basinger makes as compelling and resourceful a heroine here as she was in Cellular, while Lukas Haas’ gang of youths make frightening villains not because they’re intimidating or sinister, but simply because they’re stupid, reckless and dangerous – exactly the sort of people who give darkened parking lots a bad name.

Because so few films are directed by women – especially in the horror/thriller genre – you can’t help but look for notable differences when you come across one. Susan Montford certainly doesn’t pull any punches with her directorial debut (which she also scripted from a short story by Edward Bryant), and creating an interesting female lead is obviously a priority, but genre fans won’t find any “special spin” on the material to distract from the thrills. That said, it’s intelligent enough, with a build-up that sets up a disconcerting, melancholy tone, and a double-payoff that finishes off the expectedly cathartic climax with a nice little twist of the knife.

One word of warning: don’t be tempted to seek out and watch the trailer. In fact, avoid all trailers for this in case they’re the one included on the UK DVD release, which basically condenses the entire film into two minutes, ruining every single plot development along the way, including the ending. Other than that, if you come across any opportunity to see While She Was Out, you grab eet, you watch eet, you love eet!

Apologies to anyone with a fake Mexican accent.

Rating: 4/5

Door #4 opens

It’s the Ghost of Christmas Present – a.k.a. Carol Kane, one of the most distinctive (and funny) actresses around. I’ve sung her praises before, and she’s taken on some extremely kooky horror roles in the past in such films as Pandemonium, Office Killer, When a Stranger Calls, When a Stranger Calls Back, Transylvania 6-5000 and Don’t Ring the Doorbell. But none beat her hilariously disturbing performance as a psychotic Christmas fairy in this – probably my favourite holiday movie – Scrooged. Altogether now: “Look, Frank! It’s a toaster!”

What's lurking behind door #3?

Argh! It’s one of those glass unicorns like in Black Christmas! Those things can be fucking lethal in the hands of a deranged killer. Watch out Margot!

Who's behind door #2?

Ho ho ho! Who’s that jolly bearded fellow? Why it’s Lucio Fulci! While I don’t think Mr Fulci ever made an all-out Christmas film, he did give his fans a little present back in 1990 in the shape of A Cat in the Brain, which offered up more of the man himself than any Fulci fan could shake a candy cane at. Full review below!

A Cat in the Brain

“I think I’m going crazy... as if my brain is being eaten by a cat!”

That’s how it feels to be an aging horror movie director, according to this spoof-autobiographical piece from celebrated goremeister Lucio Fulci. And, in case you still don’t get it, the idea is represented by the unforgettable sight of a stiff-legged cat puppet pawing at some minced beef. Yes, 1990’s A Cat in the Brain (also known as Nightmare Concert) finds the 63-year-old Fulci indulging in a bit of postmodern malarkey in much the same manner that Wes Craven would in his New Nightmare four years later.

Fulci plays himself in what essentially boils down to a kind of wraparound story, in which he believes himself to be going insane while a serial killer strikes wherever he goes. Meanwhile, clips from a few of his recent films – as well as some he merely supervised – play out in gory clip-show fashion, presented as hallucinations, dreams and supposedly real murders.

When it gets to the point that Fulci can’t even pop a ready-meal in the microwave without seeing visions of melting faces, he decides to visit a psychiatrist. And that’s when things get really strange, as Dr Schwarz appears to be having some sanity issues of his own... By his second session, the shrink claims to have watched all of Fulci’s films (57 according to the IMDb) and read all the scripts. No wonder he’s going a little crazy! And, sure enough, he’s soon hypnotizing Fulci and setting off on a killing spree of his own (or is he?).

It all sounds confusing and incoherent but, in reality, A Cat in the Brain is quite entertaining (much more so than some of the dire films from which footage is plundered, anyway). Whether this is due to Fulci’s bemused performance or the sheer amount of outrageous gore is hard to say, but there’s a light tone that makes it hard to take too seriously – which is perhaps why it got through the BBFC uncut (eventually). It is cheap and choppy, but that’s part of the charm. There’s even a sequence where the spliced-in violence is spookily effective, as Fulci wonders around a villa while murder victims are hacked up left, right and centre, seemingly oblivious to his presence.

Ultimately, the film is the product of a director having a little fun, and when it’s a director who’s provided his fans with as much fun over the years as Lucio Fulci, it’s hard to begrudge the man. As ever with Fulci films, I can’t leave you without quoting some of the more memorable lines from the script...

Psychiatrist: Now, you say the first manifestations of your illness have been the fear of hamburger and gardeners...

Fulci: The film we’re watching is the one I’m in the throes of shooting at the moment... and the violence in it is making me, mentally, deeply disturbed!

Fulci (describing a dream): It was a girl who was a pocket... and they shot a ball into her... on a pool table.

Newsreader: So far, there have been few clues to the identity of the killer, who is believed to be of middle-age and probably an apparently normal person.

Psychiatrist (to wife): Damn you! You’ve made a mess of my life. Damn you to hell! But now I’ve had enough... Enough!

Movie producer: If you’re trying to create a sensation like you do in your films, well, this time you goofed!

Rating: 3/5

AiP Madvent Calendar: Day #1!

Do you like scary snow globes? Yikes! It’s the weird Christmas decoration/piece of handmade Scream merchandise I bought on eBay... naturally! This delightful festive figurine is not available in shops. Or, at least, I doubt it ever was, considering it’s the only one like it I’ve ever seen and the base is made of hand-painted wood. Is it fan-sculpture? Or was it a prototype for a range of Ghostface snow globes that never made it to the production line in Hong Kong? Who knows? But Scream + Christmas = Joy To The World in my book!