Wet Gold

Does DVD picture quality reflect the quality of a film? I’ve often wondered, but no more so than when I got about halfway through Wet Gold, a 1984 TV movie that tries to do for underwater adventure stories what The Deep did for underwater adventure stories. And fails. (I’d like to say “spectacularly” but putting that word anywhere near a review of this film would be misleading.)

So, anyway, the DVD’s picture quality – if you can call it that – is not good, but that’s not always a problem. A bigger one for Wet Gold is the fact that it very quickly descends into a quagmire of dull double-crossing between people you care very little about. There’s Brooke Shields as a Florida waitress who dreams of bigger things (shame she turns out to be so lazy and self-centred, then); Burgess Meredith as a drunken seadog who knows the location of a fortune in sunken gold; and Thomas Byrd and Brian Kerwin as the deckhand and diver competing for Shields’ affections.

The four of them head out to sea, they find the treasure, they see a SHARK! (at this point, I thought things were going to get interesting... alas not) and they have a run-in with some pirates. But mostly they go skin-diving and argue about their shares in the loot. It’s all quite dreary, really, although there is a nice moment involving the underside of a boat and the topside of a character’s skull that redefines the term “propellerhead”.

I’m easy to please when it comes to underwater action movies. There simply aren’t enough of them (unless you count submarine flicks, which to me are as interesting as films set in warehouses) but Wet Gold isn’t a good example of one, despite some decent scenes inside a sunken shipwreck. If you’re looking for a schlocky oceanic crime story along the lines of The Deep and Into the Blue, try Shark or Night of the Sharks instead. This one sunk without trace for a reason.

Rating: 2/5

Unconvincing shark attack of the day: The festive edition!

Today in USAOTD, we take a look at a shark attack sequence that relies purely on clever editing and a technique known as “flying shark teeth comin’ atcha” to achieve its effects... Someday I’ll write a proper, full-length article about the brilliant, highly TV movie-like Jaws: The Revenge but, for now, let’s concentrate on its memorable opening scene, featuring Sean (son of Martin) Brody:


Picture it... Amity... 1987... It’s Christmas time but – oh no! – a buoy-type-thing has got all tangled up in the bay!


“No worries, I’ll poke it with a stick.”


“Argh! Flying shark gnashers!”


“Argh! No arm!”


We interrupt this shark attack to bring you shots of a joyful Christmas scene for maximum irony. (And, why, yes... Christmas IS annual!)


“Hello! Still missing an arm here! Perhaps if I lean tantalizingly over the edge of the—”


“Argh! Flying shark gnashers again!”


Sean’s been swallowed whole... and now the boat’s sinking. On the plus side, it looks like he managed to fix the buoy.


But what a MESS!

Unconvincing shark attack of the day: The revenge!

Last time on USAOTD we saw what happened when an overconfident tour guide found herself up shark creek in Red Water... Today’s unpersuasive date with toothy destiny comes from Shark in Venice – not a film I particularly liked, but I have to admit it has its moments, including the following... And check out those plastic urns!


It’s an intimate moment on one of Venice’s less impressive bridges.


“Oh Johnny, where’s your class?”


“Go and stand pointlessly close to the water’s edge.”

“OMG! Watch out for that Unconvincing Shark Attack!”

“You’re flying!”

“And I’ve completely vanished in the next shot too!”

Shark in Venice

I want to tell you that Shark in Venice is good. That it lives up to the promise of its title. That – I don’t know – it’s better than Shark Attack 2 or something.

I can’t.

It sucks.

Take a look at this scene from around halfway through, when Stephen Baldwin’s character is shark-attacked while diving in the canal:















I’m sure you noticed that Le Shark seemed to be having a good old chew on Stephen. There’s lots of blood in the water and, oh yeah, HIS LEG CAME OFF. Well, unfortunately, none of the producers seemed to notice this small detail because, in the very next scene, The Littlest Baldwin is happily walking around on two legs again.* Now, I’ve never lost a leg, thankfully, but I’m fairly certain they don’t grow back. At least, not by the next day.

[* There’s a possible suggestion that Baldwin dreamed this whole attack, but he was in the water and he does end up in hospital, so that doesn’t make any real sense either.]

It’s this kind of annoying detail – whether it’s bad editing or filmmaking-by-committee or whatever – that sums up Shark in Venice’s lack of effort in general. Interviewed in the DVD’s making-of featurette, the cast go on about how the movie’s just meant to be undemanding fun for the viewer. But, really... sloppy shark attacks consisting of nature footage, red filters, lots of splashing and incoherent clips from Shark Attack 2? Where’s the fun in that?

Anyway, on to the plot. Stephen Baldwin is – don’t laugh – Doctor David Franks, an oceanography professor with a permanently glazed expression and really bad dress sense. Seriously, it looks like the wardrobe department put in even less effort than the editor:





David is called to Venice, where his scuba diving father has apparently been killed in a “suspicious boating accident”. You know, the kind with teeth-marks. David correctly identifies the mangled mannequin as his dad and goes on to the bonus round vows to find out what really happened, with the help of girlfriend Laura, played by Scarlett Johansson’s sister Vanessa. What has all this got to do with (a) Mafia henchmen, (b) rogue sharks and (c) the Medici Treasure? Well, it turns out that (a) Mafia henchmen have released (b) rogue sharks to guard (c) the Medici Treasure. There you go. Someone saved your life tonight.... Well, 90 minutes of it, anyway. So don’t say I never do anything for you.

The problem with Shark in Venice – or, rather, the overriding problem – is that it just doesn’t care. Some digital compositors came up with this:



and this:





...so that the makers would have something to show to the investors and hopefully raise enough money to get a film made, and that’s where the interest in filmmaking stopped. As far as Venetian shark mayhem goes, the above scenes are literally everything you get. The budget didn’t even cover the costs of flying the principal cast members to Italy, so all you see is a shot of Stephen Baldwin pointing:



followed by a shaky camcorder shot of this:



Yes, Shark in Venice hates you. Do not watch it!

Rating: 1/5

A Very Special Episode

AiP is one year old today! I know that’s no major achievement in the grand scheme o’ things but, when I first posted a review of Someone’s Watching Me! twelve months ago, I had no idea I’d be able to sustain a blog for any length of time, so now I’m celebrating with a few friends... Look, there’s Morgan on the karaoke, and Tori and Lauren are getting on like a house on fire. But, oh Roddy, what have you said to Brian the Shark? He doesn’t look too happy. You’d better go and mingle with Nameless Majorette #3 instead!

Thanks to everyone who’s stopped by over the last year and continues to pop in; I hope you’ve enjoyed your visits as much as I’ve loved reading your comments. Here’s to another terrific and horrific year, and the swift approach of everyone’s favourite month: SHOCKtober!

The Baldwin connection

Oh PLEEZE! Just when you think you’ve got something cleared up, back it comes again, bringing with it that familiar irritation, that burning sensation...

Yes, I’m talking about the burning desire to uncover the truth behind yesterday’s irritating movie, Trilogy of Murder.

If you’ll remember, the film isn’t listed on the Internet Movie Database, the reason being that it’s not a proper film at all, but rather a compilation of episodes from a Russian TV cop show that starred, among others, Karen Black, Erik Estrada and Gary Busey. One person it didn’t star, however, was Daniel Baldwin. And I should know because I sat through it, and I’m very sensitive to Baldwins. So what, then, is Danny-boy doing on the DVD cover of this Asian release?



Oh, Trilogy of Murder, still you continue to vex me, though you’re hardly worth the effort. So let’s turn our attentions instead to the upcoming would-be wonders of Shark in Venice, which definitely does star a Baldwin – Stephen, to be precise – and is set for release on DVD in the UK on 6 October:



Were my pants this wet when I sat down?

Horror That Made Me #1

Well, it’s finally here: the final and most significant entry in my countdown of the films that’ve had the most influence on me as a lifelong fan of the horror genre. It’s the big cheese, the main event, the... er, high chaparral. It’s the movie that not only shaped the way I think about horror but how I think about film. It’s...

Jaws (1975)



Show me someone who’s afraid to go in the water and I’ll show you someone who’s scared of Jaws. Whether or not they’ve even seen the film. That’s how powerful it is. Jaws represents every unknown terror swimming in the depths of the human psyche. It’s there whenever you experience that sudden slip from fun to fear; it’s the unexpected touch of something you can’t see; that horrible feeling that you could be next; the unstoppable force of destruction waiting to pull you under forever.

It’s also the best bloody blockbuster ever to come out of Hollywood. Seriously, can you imagine something of Jaws’s quality on any level – be it acting, direction, editing or whatever – being the summer’s main event movie ever again? I think not! Will we ever see an American monster movie built around such compelling characters? Or allowed to build so carefully and deliberately? One that’s so adult? So primal? So terrifying?

My obsession with Spielberg’s seafaring masterpiece goes back almost further than I can remember – to nights spent huddled on the sofa watching the surfacing of a mechanical shark with the kind of awe most four-year-olds reserved for Disney cartoons. I’ve seen the film on TV, video, DVD, at the cinema, and will carry on watching it until I’m in my seventies and viewing it in cyber-surround holographic 3D (fuckin’ A!). Then, when it’s over, I’ll watch the sequels because I love them too... even Jaws: The Revenge. (In fact, I like that sequel best, so screw you!)

Some other childhood memories of Jaws:

– Being too scared to go to sleep in case my bed turned into a boat, floated away and was sunk by Jaws, subsequently leading to my watery, much chewed-upon death.

– Pestering my mum to find a copy of the video (yes, we lived in a video shop when I was aged between 4 and 6 – how lucky was I?). When it turned out we didn’t stock it, I was given Orca: Killer Whale to keep me quiet, and another love affair was born.

– Buying the 25th anniversary edition video back when “special edition” just meant new video box art. Then, when the opening credits started, the words “old friend” just popped into my head.

– My friends and I always trying to spot “the worm” when the shark explodes at the end of Jaws III:



– Buying a blank video tape especially for the purposes of recording Jaws 2 when it came on TV as Saturday night’s big movie. Except the tape was faulty and I couldn’t watch it again the next day. Gutted.

– Reading Peter Benchley’s novel for the first time and being shocked – shocked! – by the phrase “vagina yawning open” (and no, I can’t remember the context).


Anyway, that’s the end of “Horror That Made Me”, although I look forward to plenty more memorable and influential horror movies coming along in future to shape my ever-evolving understanding of the genre. Or is that too much to hope?

The list in full:

1. Jaws
2. Halloween
3. Bug/The Giant Spider Invasion
4. In the Mouth of Madness
5. The Devil Rides Out
6. Fright Night
7. The Spiral Staircase
8. Phenomena
9. The Private Eyes
10. Hammer House of Mystery and Suspense: Child’s Play

Unconvincing shark attack of the day

Hurrah! It’s my favourite scene from the 2003 TV movie Red Water, involving a sweaty-backed but still perky tour guide, a rickety rope bridge, and some rather dated CGI...



“OK folks, here we are at what the locals call Deadly Bridge.”


“I’ll show you how to cross it without being eaten.”


“Oops! Ow, that hurts!”


“And stretch!”


“Blubbblubblubb!”


The girl on the right thinks it’s waaaay cool!

Shark Swarm

I knew it was coming... You knew it was coming... The three-hour, killer-sharks TV movie event we’ve all been waiting for... Finally, Shark Swarm swam into my possession recently after months of anticipation on my part, and so I wasted no time in Frisbee-throwing it into the DVD player (I’m quite talented in that respect) and getting my sharky groove on.

Yep, I’ve no idea whether or not it actually aired on the Hallmark Channel, for which it was apparently made, but Shark Swarm is definitely out there on DVD in all its John Schneider/Daryl Hannah glory – although not in the UK, unless you visit a car boot sale Amazon Marketplace. But is it any good? Does it live up to those feverishly high expectations? Of course it fucking does! It’s got killer-fucking-sharks in it! (And Elisa Donovan – who knew?!)


First of all, I’ll make no apologies for the plot of Shark Swarm, which is undeniably the single most generic effort you could ever ever ever imagine. In fact, I’m sure the James Van Der Beek/giant squid movie Eye of the Beast, which I also saw recently, had the same story. There’s toxic waste in the water; fish are dying; fishermen are starving; sharks are mutating; Daryl Hannah’s making another comeback bid; a millionaire tycoon is buying up all the town’s property for nefarious reasons; shark attacks are on the rise... and yet those town officials just won’t close the beaches. Won’t they ever learn? Shark attacks = people dying = sequels = more shark attacks. It’s a vicious circle, with a vicious killer shark at the centre of it. Grrr!

But Shark Swarm’s strength is that it makes all this entertaining. I can honestly say I never got bored once during the three-hour running time, which is more than I can say for all the Shark Attack movie clones that generally clock in around 85 minutes. How do they stretch Shark Swarm to three hours? Well, not with anything new, that’s for sure. Instead, they simply chuck in at least two of everything: John Schneider has a brother and a daughter who both have matching romantic subplots (not with each other – eww!). There’s also two villains: the millionaire (played by a mincing Armand Assante) and his equally despicable thug. Heck, even Schneider’s elderly mother has a subplot, culminating in an outrageous scene where the swarming sharks attack a mass baptism ceremony in the bay.


Which brings us to the body count, which I read somewhere is in excess of forty (I lost count), mainly comprising random scuba divers, who keep showing up, keep getting eaten, and keep going unnoticed. (Seriously, I don’t think anyone’s mysterious disappearance/grisly death makes the news in this town, despite the fact that they have a local radio station constantly playing in the background.) The attacks themselves aren’t bad, either. Of course, this being a TV movie, they’re mainly of the red-dye-in-the-water-and-little-else variety but there’s some effective chomping achieved with a not-bad mixture of CGI and plastic shark-heads. I also found that, while the shots of CGI sharks racing each other around aren’t particularly menacing, the shots involving sharks emerging from the shadows to drag people away are quite creepy. But that might just be me.

Ultimately, Shark Swarm is leagues above Spring Break Shark Attack and just about any other similar movie (and there are plenty) you’d care to mention. AiP says chow down!

Rating: 4/5

Fin-ally!

QUESTION! What do you get if you string together the words killer, shark and mini-serial? No, doofus, not mini-shark serial killer (seriously, what are you on?) but Shark Swarm, news of which I warned delighted you with earlier in the year. Well, unfortunately, it seems the upcoming Hallmark Channel miniseries has lost its 26 May premiere date, but the good news is there’s now a thrilling trailer online. SEE deadly sharks attack innocent swimmers! SEE corporate conspiracies clog the rest of the running time! SEE Daryl Hannah’s face apparently sliding off her skull!

Am I allowed to say I’m actually more excited by the trailer for Iron Sky?

Sorry, thought not.

It's that shark again

With my incessant blather about shark movies recently, I’m considering creating a new label for the various posts on the subject – or perhaps renaming this blog entirely (I’m thinking “SHARX!”). Anyway, there’s yet more finny fun today as we profile the top shark actor of his generation, as seen in this publicity shot:

Back in 1974, young director Steven Spielberg was casting for a soon-to-be-blockbuster shark movie called Jaws. The coveted title role eventually went to a newcomer called Bruce, but one other shark made it to the final round of auditions. Shamefully, he doesn’t seem to have a profile page on the IMDb, but we’ll call him “Brian”.

Although Brian never appeared in a Jaws movie, he’s starred in numerous classics of the genre whilst never quite achieving mainstream fame in his own right – much like a squaloid Lou Diamond Phillips. His breakthrough came in 1976’s Shark Kill, a rushed-into-production Jaws cash-in. Here he is on the DVD cover, easily recognisable from the photo above:

Shark Kill was a made-for-TV movie but, hey, we all have to start somewhere, and Brian’s slick performance brought him to the attention of exploitation filmmaker René Cardona Jr, who cast him in the rushed-into-production Jaws cash-in, Tintorera! (1977), which was this time released in cinemas. Brian is featured prominently on the DVD cover alongside co-stars Andrés García and Susan George:

Fashions change, however, and the ensuing decade was a cruel time for Brian. And fashion in general. The two major shark movies of the eighties – Jaws 3D and Jaws: The Revenge – were widely ridiculed for the poor performances of their leading sharks, and it wasn’t until 1999 that Brian found work again. This time it was the video hit Shark Attack, the DVD cover of which depicts Brian about to chomp on the legs of a nubile female swimmer:

International fame beckoned, and Brian found himself working in Europe on the 2004 German telemovie Hai-Alarm auf Mallorca, known as Shark Attack in the Mediterranean on DVD:

What will Brian’s next project be? Let me know if you spot him on any other DVD covers!

Shark

There’s been Shark Attack, Shark Hunter, Shark Kill, Shark Swarm, Shark Zone... erm, Shark Attack 2... In fact, if you put the word “shark” in front of it, it’s probably been filmed. But one movie came before them all, and that movie was so pure, so raw, they just called it Shark. That, and the title was still available.

The year is 1969. We know this because all the sharks in the movie are played be real-life sharks, rather than special effects, and Burt Reynolds is still cool. He plays the single-named Caine (see? Still cool), a gunrunner stranded penniless in a Sudanese town after his truck blows up under the opening credits. Remarkably, he looks a bit like Seann William Scott:

Unfortunately, since Seann William Scott has not yet been born, Caine can’t get any work as a stunt double – but, luckily for him, a local professor is looking for a diving partner since his last man was, unluckily for him, eaten by a shark. The prof is a little secretive about why exactly he seems so intent on exploring a sunken shipwreck, but explains it’s all to do with collecting “shark proteins”. Caine suspects it may have more to do with collecting sunken treasure, but takes the job nevertheless. It’s certainly a lot more convincing than the “Alzheimer’s research” excuse for the shark action in Deep Blue Sea.

You may be surprised to learn that, by this time, it’s over thirty minutes into the film. I’ve given you the bare skinny, you see. The straight dope. I think it’s time for a recap in order to see what else has filled this strangely uneventful first half-hour:

– Everything before the opening credits (which appear ten minutes in) is, admittedly, pretty cool. Shark is directed by rogue auteur Samuel Fuller (Shock Corridor, The Big Red One) who creates a striking and suspenseful opening scene in which the abovementioned former diver is savaged by a shark. It’s filmed in effective underwater silence with just the starkest of musical cues, and...

– All the sharks are real! And they’re not just nature footage spliced in, either. Shark gives us sometimes quite startling footage of divers swimming with the toothy terrors, as described in this onscreen dedication at the start of the film:

– Burt Reynolds rules. Yes, I know I’ve said this already but, in light of his later career choices, I think it bears repeating. Caine isn’t even a particularly appealing character in this film, but Burt makes you like spending time with him – which is important because, to be perfectly honest, not a whole hell of a lot happens in minutes 10 to 30 of Shark.

– We also meet Anna, the professor’s wife (and, if you read this as film noir at sea, the femme fatale of the piece). And there’s also a multitude of locals, including an alcoholic doctor, a kid Caine affectionately calls Runt, a hotel manager Caine less affectionately called Fatso and, well, almost too many others to mention. Sam Fuller really fills in the Sudanese milieu here (filming, naturally, in Mexico) and you have to give him credit for it, even if it’s not the blockbuster shark action you’re expecting.

At long last, the diving begins, the reasons for the professor’s excursions are revealed (you’ll be shocked... shocked!) and the double-crossing kicks in – all of which make Shark a fairly entertaining film. Famously, one of Fuller’s stunt divers was killed by a shark during production (really no wonder with some of the exploits on display) and this also gives the film a slightly disturbing edge. A shark attack towards the end is quite nasty – not that I’m suggesting it’s snuff footage (it’s PG after all) but you’ll wonder how they pulled it off. I mean, once those sharks start snapping, they really go for it! There’s also the moment where a fleeing diver quickly removes his scuba tank and throws it at an attacking shark... Quick-thinking, yes, but probably not recommended unless you’re in sight of the surface.

As well as the fish/human violence, watch out for a staggering amount of man-on-chicken violence too. If it’s not the Chief of Police bashing a defenceless cockerel in the beak, it’s good old Burt himself, in a moment that has to be seen to be believed, swinging the legs of a small boy into the path of a peaceful chicken and sending it flapping out of the frame. If there’s ever a sequel, I fully expect it’ll be the birds that come back for revenge, rather than the sharks. And, as far as I’m aware, the title Chicken is still available.

Rating: 3/5