Day 3: Killer Klowns from Outer Space

It’s time now for Sham Shocktober to move away from the classics and look instead at a Klassic! It was the late eighties... Everything I knew I learned from House, Troll and Critters, so I’ve really no idea how I managed to miss out on Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Must’ve been home watching MacGyver when it came into the video shop or something. Anyway, it’s recently been released on DVD in the UK by Optimum Home Entertainment, apparently because they noticed it’s this country’s most illegally downloaded title, and I was a little surprised to see it now has a 12 certificate. I mean, I’m sure it’s a pretty goofy film, but all I really know about it (other than the fact it apparently concerns some “klowns” who are “killers” and come from “outer space”) is what I heard in the school yard – most of which came from a friend who loved to tell me in gory detail about the victims who become “human hand puppets” whenever we got onto the subject of scary movies. Human hand puppets? In a 12-rated movie? What’s the world coming to? It sounds like something out of Brian Yuzna’s Society. Of course, I may be wrong...

Day 2: Dracula (1931)

What is it with 1931 and films I haven’t seen?! First M, now this... Anyone would think I’d been avoiding the year, which is technically true because I hadn’t actually been born yet. But I assure you, 1931, it was nothing personal!

“Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make...” Yup, I may not have actually seen Bela Lugosi in his most famous role as Drackie O, but I can at least quote his most famous line (as well as the spoofy reference in Love at First Bite, in which George Hamilton says, “Children of the night... shut up!”). I also heard that, at any given moment in time, some TV station somewhere in world is showing this version of Dracula, which means it’s actually on right now (...or even now, if you’re reading this later). So why haven’t I seen it? Well, Bela never struck me as a particularly menacing count. He just seems to lack the stature, the fangs, the sinister sexuality of the Dracula I grew up with, Christopher Lee. In fact, he looks a bit like me in a cape. And who wants to see that?

I’ve also heard the film takes some strange liberties with Bram Stoker’s source novel – like sending crazy bug-eater Renfield off to Dracula’s castle at the start instead of Jonathan Harker (although that’s still marginally more believable than having Keanu Reeves in the role). And then there’s that rumour that the Spanish version, shot at the same time on the same sets (but with different, more Spanishy actors) is actually superior. Is there anything that Dracula ’31 has going for it? Be sure to let me know!

What? You liked this movie? Gah! Tell it to Chud Emmet Walsh.

Day 1: M

It’s the first day of Sham Shocktober so you’ll have to forgive any factual inaccuracies this month, as I’ll only be “reviewing” horror films I haven’t seen. And don’t forget to let me know if the movies any good or not so I’ll know which ones to buy for Halloween. (Hey, that rhymed... I’m a poet and I didn’t realize it!) Anyway, let’s kick off with a classic: Fritz Lang’s 1931 chiller, M.

Dame Judi Dench stars as M, a child-molesting serial killer stalking the streets of an unnamed, highly expressionistic German city. From what I gather, the only clue to M’s identity is his whistled signature tune – “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by the Crash Test Dummies. Can the police catch him, or will it be left to the city’s other criminals to implement their own form of justice? What are you asking me for? I haven’t the fucking foggiest. But, since M is at #44 in the IMDb Top 250, I’m guessing it’s a pretty good film. So good, in fact, that its influence continues to be felt in contemporary culture over 70 years later, from the ongoing prevalence of child molestation, to the rumour that respected character actor M. Emmet Walsh was so impressed by the film he actually named himself after it. Lucky for him he wasn’t a big fan of C.H.U.D. huh?

Bless my barleycorns, it's...

Wow, there’s been nothing to celebrate for ages and then suddenly everything comes along at once. Today, hot on the heels of AiP’s star-studded first birthday bash, it’s AiP’s 100th post! (I think someone deserves a telegram from Adrienne Barbeau – and it’s not you, slacker!) Not only that, but the month of Shocktober is very nearly upon us... Sheesh, I think I’m suffering from excitement fatigue!

During Shocktober, many horror blogs traditionally rise to the challenge of reviewing a movie a day – or even two movies a day. Or, if you’re Final Girl, eleven movies. Here at AiP, however, I’m afraid there ain’t gonna be any of that shit. I mean, I work in a busy public library, for god’s sake. There’s no “working from home”, no “duvet days”, and no time to watch and write about a new movie every single day.

So, instead, October at Anchorwoman In Peril! is SHAM SHOCKTOBER! Every day I’ll be writing about a horror movie I haven’t seen – be it an all-time classic that hasn’t really appealed, or a quirky cult item I’ve never managed to get my mitts on. Either way, it’ll be a film I consider notable for having so far slipped through the net (and, funnily enough, I’ve never seen The Net – spooky!).

Your task, if you have seen the movie in question, is to let me know whether it’s actually worth seeking out or not. Because, at the end of Sham Shocktober, I’ll buy, watch and, who knows, maybe even review the five titles that garner the most recommendations. Or, if no one’s left any comments, the five cheapest ones on Amazon.

Fair deal? Sham on!

A Very Special Episode

AiP is one year old today! I know that’s no major achievement in the grand scheme o’ things but, when I first posted a review of Someone’s Watching Me! twelve months ago, I had no idea I’d be able to sustain a blog for any length of time, so now I’m celebrating with a few friends... Look, there’s Morgan on the karaoke, and Tori and Lauren are getting on like a house on fire. But, oh Roddy, what have you said to Brian the Shark? He doesn’t look too happy. You’d better go and mingle with Nameless Majorette #3 instead!

Thanks to everyone who’s stopped by over the last year and continues to pop in; I hope you’ve enjoyed your visits as much as I’ve loved reading your comments. Here’s to another terrific and horrific year, and the swift approach of everyone’s favourite month: SHOCKtober!

MythBusting

So I’m just minding my own business at my nightly slumber party, making s’mores and playing with my ouija board (which is actually quite difficult to do simultaneously) when a friend says to me, “Hey Ross, have you heard the story of Dead Mary?”

“Dead Mary?” says I through a mouthful of melted marshmallow and ouija board splinters (told you it was difficult). “Don’t you mean Bloody Mary, the scary old ghost-woman who appears if you say her name five times in front of a mirror... and who then proceeds to - gasp! - kill you?”

“No,” replies said nameless friend, “I mean Dead Mary, the dreadful movie that appears if you walk into a video shop and say the words ‘Dead Mary’ once in front of a store clerk... and which then proceeds to - gasp! - suck out your very soul and take a big poop on it for 103 minutes.”

“Gosh-a-lordy!” I exclaim. “That sounds terrifying. What a disturbing urban legend. Is it true?”

And, dear friends, I'm sorry to report that it was true.


* If you or any member of your family have been affected by any of the issues discussed in this post, head on over to Amanda By Night’s Made for TV Mayhem blog and read her wonderful list of the Top 10 TV movies of the 70s... It's a sure-fire cure-all for all that ails ye!

The Strangers

A great big bag of almosts – that’s the only way I can describe The Strangers. It’s not a bad film – in fact, it’s almost a good one – but, for everything it almost gets right, there’s something so frustratingly off, you almost want to switch the damn film off.

Whoa, almost a few too many italics there.

Plot-wise, The Strangers is almost a remake of the 2006 French frightener Ils (aka Them) and is almost certainly inspired in part by Funny Games. Of these home-invasion horrors, Ils is the one that I find the most clever, disturbing and accomplished; Funny Games, whether you’re watching it in its Austrian or American incarnation, is itself a game rather than a film – and one that chastises you for playing by the rules it sets out for you. In other words, it’s a big ol’ cheat. (The Strangers also cheats, in ways we’ll come to in a minute.)

I’m actually surprised The Strangers lasted as long as it did in cinemas, since it’s the kind of movie that bad word-of-mouth should’ve killed in one week flat. That’s not to say it deserves widespread scorn, although no one leaving the screening I attended seemed very impressed, but it’s certainly no crowd-pleaser either. Au Cointreau™, it’s got a heavy, almost heady whiff of cinematic suicide about it, from the dangerously quiet opening twenty, to the equally understated and divisive ending. Now, I’m all for films that weave you carefully into their world, but The Strangers had simply lost a good portion of the audience I watched it with by the fifteen-minute mark, and even I – yes, slasher-loving, anything-forgiving I – felt myself consciously feeding it lengths of attention-span, hoping it wasn’t going to use them to hang itself anytime soon.

For countryside-dwelling couple Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, it’s with a knock at the door that things start to get nasty. Strangers in masks nasty. Strangers in masks with knives nasty. And pretty soon, they’re hiding in closets, running through the woods, twisting their ankles, and doing all manner of things you don’t expect to find yourself doing at 4 a.m. on a quiet morning in the (outer) suburbs. It’s actually quite gripping, at least until the movie’s two main methods of cheating start to grate on you:

Cheat 1: Pointless Stalking. This is another “almost” thing... The strangers here prove highly adept at almost catching our much-terrorized couple, creeping up behind them or lingering fuzzily in the background, before vanishing in the next shot. It’s all very eerie until, after the third or fourth time they do it, you start to wonder why they’re doing it, exactly. The victims aren’t usually even aware of their pursuer’s presence before they disappear again – meaning that the strangers can only really be doing it for the benefit of the audience, to provide a creepy shot for the trailer or whatever.

Care to test out the theory? Take a look at each still from the film below and guess which one represents a scene where the scary-masked stalker actually does something to the victim...

The answer... None of them! They never do anything, remember?! All in all, it’s just not fair horror.

Cheat 2: Major Doofus Moment. A doofus moment is when a character does something blatantly stupid just so the script can get them into a dangerous situation. Y’know, like when Sigourney Weaver goes back to rescue the cat in Alien. Or when she agreed to star in Snow White: A Tale of Terror. Now, I don’t actually mind a doofus moment or two if it means a Terrifying Fight For Survival or something. But what I don’t like is when a character who’s previously proven themselves quite smart (or at least highly rootable-for) goes and has a moment so doofussy, so completely out-of-character, it’s equivalent to them turning to the camera and giving you the finger for allowing yourself to believe in them in the first place.

Thanks to the script, Liv Tyler has a majorly mood-breaking doofus moment about halfway through The Strangers. After successfully evading the attackers for most of Act 2, she apparently decides that the best course of action is to wait for her boyfriend on the porch while he goes off for help. Yes, she’ll just have a little sit down, thank you very much. All that running and hiding was a bit tiring. Okay, we know that the strangers have already been in the house, thus compromising its security as someone in 24 might say, but still... anything’s better than sitting on the fucking porch! Doofus!

This is all doubly annoying (perhaps even three times as annoying – yes, that’s 300% more annoying, statistically speaking) because I actually thought Liv Tyler rocked this movie, creating a character who’s not entirely likeable but whom you’re still entirely able to root for – almost like a real person, rather than a standard woman in peril.

So there we have it, anyway: proof that writing good characters, allowing a story to build naturally, and not being a remake does not always constitute a recipe for success. I sincerely hope that the next movie I see is a “reimagining” of Suspiria starring Miley Cyrus. It’s a dead cert. Almost.

Rating: 2/5

Boring DVD menus

I’m currently going around telling everyone I know that I’m just so into BDSM at the moment... which, as I’m sure they all realise, is short for “Boring DVD Screen Menus”.

The dawn of DVD ushered in a whole new era for home video viewers, where your purchase doesn’t just come with some boring old movie on it, but also all kinds of thrilling special features – from directors’ commentaries and deleted scenes to lists of stars’ previous sexual partners (yeah, thanks a lot, Seann William Blabbermouth). But one special feature rises above all others in its featured specialness. I’m talking about the Interactive Menu, second only to Chapter Selection as the one extra that gives me the biggest bonus-content boner.

But sometimes good bonusesesses extras go bad. And that’s when you get... Dun-dun-DUH!! Boring DVD Menus...